Not a Dating Cookbook

Why I'm not writing listicles of dating advice, and why you shouldn't be reading them.

Now that our initial flirting is done, let’s get to know each other better. You should know I’m not like those other dating books you’ve read before. Yes, I know they all say that. But I’m different.

Each Second Person post should stand alone, but most will follow a major arc in three main parts:

1. Part I - Let go of what holds you back, a look at some narratives that don’t serve your dating life — especially the ones you tell yourself.

2. Part II - Follow your dream date, analyzing all aspects of dating to turn it from a confusing maze to a clear path towards the person you should be with.

3. Part III - Become a relationship, on how two individuals transform into a couple.

Part I will have four sections:

1. Not like other books, on what is missing in most writing about dating.

2. The opposite of resentment, on orienting away from the discourse and towards your dream date.

3. We date in a society, on how your private dating life is everyone’s business, and why today that’s more harmful than helpful.

4. Identity trap, on how our stories about who we are become obstacles to connecting with others.

Expect many posts out of order, extras that don’t fit the main theme, and improvisation, but this is the plan. We’re now in section 1 of part I. So, instead of me just giving you the one trick to solve your dating woe, we’ll spend the next week or two discussing the kind of publication this isn’t. Dating rewards the curious and the patient, I hope to do the same.

Instructions Unclear

Isn’t it strange that most dating books are shelved in the self-help section? People don’t read science books for lab setup instructions or history books only when they’re personally attempting to conquer Carthage. But they expect dating essays to be written like an online recipe: a self-deprecating story you scroll past, an assurance that things will turn out well, and, finally, a list of specific instructions.

Here’s the description of the first sponsored result for “dating book” on Amazon:

My secret formula to attract 83% more charming gentlemen and dreamy girls to Second Person is to write the exact opposite of whatever that is.

Instead, this is going to be a blog about self-knowledge: seeing your dating self and your path ahead with clarity. Self-discovery is a long journey. Let’s start with this question: